Sep 26

Sep 26 ED and Depression - A Love Letter to Myself

Today’s post is going to be a little different; much more vulnerable. I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not to write this. Hopefully you’ll indulge me. The stigma and false information that is out there centered around these topics make them extremely difficult and unapproachable. Mental health, in general, is hard to talk about, and even more so, when you don’t fit the ‘mold’ or typical idea of what someone with a certain mental health struggle or illness looks like to society. However, I felt it immensely important to write about, for those exact reasons…

Dear Zoe,

The last year or so has been a challenge, to put it lightly. It was hard, not just for yourself, but for an entire global population confined to their homes in order to prevent the spread of a deadly virus. Many people, including you, have been forced to slow down, and have had a lot of their typical outlets or positive coping mechanisms taken away from them. You can no longer lean on keeping yourself busy as a way of maintaining mental ‘stability’, and that is terrifying.

It has frequently and consistently felt like you are living in a cloud. That sharp focus and mental clarity you deeply identify with has evaded you for longer than you’d like, and it’s hard to not feel like the ‘Zoe’ you’ve come to know is slipping away. Your energy levels have decreased dramatically, your capacity to be around people is not what it once was, and it requires you a lot more time and care to bounce back from hard days. The heavy feeling in your chest seems to never completely go away, and losing a family member doesn’t make the fight any easier. Even the smallest of tasks feel like running a marathon or climbing a mountain.

You’re not great at truly taking care of yourself (completely selfishly), and that is approximately 99.9% of what recovery is. Sure, you’re trying to get healthy for your friends and family, those who care about your well-being, but ultimately the only person who will gain full benefits from getting better is you. The hardest part is over; admitting to yourself that you need help. Identifying symptoms and behaviours that often feel outside of your control is step 1 to healing. Those behaviours don’t define you or your personal identity, no matter how far from who you know yourself to be that you feel you’ve become.

Amongst all the pain, you are more than lucky and privileged to live the life you do. You’ve had the time and space (literally and figuratively thanks to COVID 19..) to figure out what is creating this storm in your head, and you’ve been given the chance to work your way towards recovery without any major financial, physical, or psychological burdens. You’ve got easy access to an amazing health care team that supports your decisions, and not everyone is able to say the same for themselves.

There’s no placing blame here, no one person or incident in your life is the source of this pain. You can look to diet culture and North American capitalistic ideals to fuel this self-hatred, but placing blame won’t help you in your journey towards healing. Getting back to a ‘Zoe’ that you love takes work, but it’s not impossible. Half the battle is unseen, and there doesn’t always have to be tangible evidence for progress to be made. Talking about it openly is important, and one of the only ways you won’t have to suffer alone. Each person will respond to this differently, and that is not your responsibility to address.

See your current situation as an opportunity to speak up and give a voice to those who don’t have the strength or ability (or privilege) to use theirs. If you don’t use your platform to discuss difficult topics, how can you expect to hold others accountable to do the same? This blog is a space to express yourself, and that (to you) means your full self. Here’s hoping that by sharing your story, someone reading your blog today, tomorrow, or any time in the future will benefit from knowing there are people willing to explain their situation so they don’t have to.

I love you, even in your darkest times, even when you’re the most difficult to love.

And to you, the reader: Use this letter as a resource to tell people in your life you need help. Or just as a beacon of hope to know you’re not alone. Because in any given year, 1 in 5 Canadians will personally experience a mental health problem or illness (CAMH, 2021) and I’m sure that’s been exponentially exacerbated by the pandemic. Support is adaptable and comes in many forms. It can look different from day to day, and sometimes you need to ASK someone to know which type of support is needed on any given day.

For those of you who need it, here is a list of some accessible mental health resources, just in case: